A walk through one of my tough moments and how I got to the other side of it stronger, more fierce and more filled with love and gratitude than ever!
I have done some miraculously amazing things in the past week alone with regards to my own life and what I want for my life. It has been utterly incredible and I am so proud of myself!!! But I have some neurons misfiring and causing me to react quite differently than one might expect for having such success. I have Dr. Joe Dispenza and his book I am currently reading, “You Are the Placebo” to thank for the basic understanding I have of what’s happening to me. I am filled with gratitude for that, in this moment.
I have always been so stagnant in my life and so ashamed of being that way, but also addicted to the strife it caused me. Definitely something I’m not proud of, but I am very proud to have mostly put behind me. However, I never imagined the strife that finding happiness would cause me. Letting go of that stagnance addiction was really REALLY difficult and as I’m typing this, I am in the midst of that struggle. But my awareness of it and the light I am currently shining upon it is dimming its effect and weakening the hold it has upon my spirit, mind and body.
Today I awoke at 3:30am, my mind racing and the right side of my body was buzzing in the strangest and most uncomfortable manner. I could not get comfortable and I could not calm the buzzing and I still feel it a bit at almost 10am. I have been battling right shoulder pain that’s causing a headache only on the right side of my head this morning. All right side issues and ailments regarding my own personal masculine energy and its battle to come forth and be utilized to my benefit. I am in the life process of balancing my energy. My yin and yang as far as feminine and masculine energy goes. The feminine was overpowering my life in an unhealthy way and keeping me from accessing my masculine traits to simply move forward out of the stagnant state I had been in since roughly 2010. It wasn’t until I stopped psych meds and had my spiritual awakening in 2019 that things began to finally progress in the right direction. Limiting beliefs (which cause Turmoil and Strife) are a bitch, though, let me just say. Those motherfuckers grab you with a stronghold and they really are stubborn assholes when you tell them to let you go. I have let go of so many limiting beliefs and healed myself in interesting ways, but I have also caused myself more ailments in the midst of figuring out all of my emotions as well as how to balance them with being an empath. And on top of that, dealing with two empath children, one of which is developing telepathy skills, unbeknownst to him! Then then there’s my mommy guilt and the fact that I have a terrible (but common) tendency to take out my own occasional self loathing on my children. Many parents unknowingly do this, sadly. So my life has been a juggling act and a bit of a circus at times, if you will, since that fateful day in August 2019 when I realized there was more to life than anyone could have ever imagined. Via my perspective anyway!
In the past week I have done more and made larger leaps since the start of my awakening 2+ years ago. This past week, I basically healed my vision to the point where I no longer need my glasses that were prescribed to me almost a year ago and that I had worn almost daily for several months now. I officially started a new job after 12 years of not working and I truly began showing up for myself with my health and wellness and I have been consistently going to the gym. I also started going to a restaurant weekly for an open mic jam session a friend of mine holds, where I sing and I totally started making fans and being around people in a way that makes my heart soar and leaves me feeling inspired and fulfilled. All of these things sound AMAZING right?! Apparently my silly misery addicted brain and the chemicals rising in my autonomic nervous system based on the habits of what they did all those many years I was trapped unknowingly in misery, think differently. They are working overtime right now to keep me in a state of misery and it is utterly fascinating in ways that are annoying, yet enthralling as FUCK! I can say this now because even as I have typed this, I have moved to a state of observation of myself in the process. That sentence right before this one was my official perspective shift. I love it when that happens! The scientist in me is now somewhat pleased, watching myself like a long standing experiment that is going well. My brain is Special!
To give an idea of what I put myself through before getting to the observation stage I just entered, here’s the back story. Yesterday I slept most of the day and felt awful. Just run down and filled with despair and quite chagrin. The whole idea of how I felt yesterday and that today I awoke feeling worse, defies all logic. The week prior was very nonstop and I got very few breaks and VERY little time to myself, but I felt mostly fine while on the go. Yet the moment I had time to think about what had just happened, I crashed and my brain found every reason in the fucking book to keep me down. It was a fight to get up and even to look in the mirror at one point. The guilt and the shame and the cascading of ALL of the things that had gone wrong over the past several weeks rained down over me and I legitimately was in a state of despair over all of it. Yet here I sit in my huge and beautiful home, as a stay at home mom, my boys both at school and I have all this time to do all the things I want to do for myself while my loving and INCREDIBLE husband is working at his job that he truly LOVES making us the money that we comfortably live on. My life is a goddamn fairytale and here I was in the depths of despair over some petty ass bull shit. It is maddening sometimes, but I have to find grace for myself during those moments and sit with the emotions until they can pass. More on that concept in another entry!
The moral of the story here is that people on a path of spiritual enlightenment (‘spiritual enlightenment’ is loosely used here and I leave it open as an abstract concept) and those with seemingly amazing lives struggle too and regardless of the reason for their struggles or their situation, it’s ok. It is ok to struggle as a spiritual type of person or a healer or a lightworker. In fact, it’s even more important for spiritual types to embrace the struggles that you have and look at them as lessons and incredible moments of growth. Learning what to do in these moments isn’t easy and it takes more practice than you have probably ever put into anything in your entire life, but it’s possible for ANYONE! As long as you love yourself enough to decide you’re worth the fight!
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