Fun is the name of the game! DAMNIT!

It is time to be vulnerable.  I am in a hard moment and so much self discovery happens in these kinds of moments.  The problem is that I have entirely too many hard moments for my liking lately.  I inundate myself with emotions constantly and that’s not healthy.  I have the random ass physical ailments to prove it. I have always been this way.  As a child, I was labeled “sensitive” and adults in my family would tell each other, “Oh Sharett is just sensitive.”  And they’d tell the other kids around, “Hey, be nice to Sharett, ok guys!  She’s sensitive.”  I am definitely not trying to blame shit on my childhood, because that’s not the end all, be all to the fact that I’m a bit warped at this point.  There are many components to factor in with all of that.  I don’t plan to look at them or list them.  Ever.  The past must stay where it belongs.  That’s a work in progress for me.  The childhood thing is just an observation of something that frustrates me.  Again, leaving past things in the past is one of my many works in progress.  I view this childhood observation as something that I know I need to let go of and move forward from.  Also, I want to note that I realize that I am not broken and that nothing is actually wrong with me.  I embrace that fully and love myself for it.

I told a friend today that the most frustrating part of the loop and pattern that I seem to be stuck in is that I see others do this shit constantly.  I see them make excuses about why they need to stay in their loop and about how their situation is much more dire and awful than anyone else’s. Not in so many words, but that's the basic idea they tend to exude. I am sure there are things I’m not seeing in my situation that would be helpful for me to get out of it.  I also know that, for the most part, when someone points out things like that to me, I’m not receptive initially.  It’s hard to hear and I want to “defend” myself for all the awful things that person is saying about me.  But the truth is, they aren’t awful things.  They are most of the time just truths and generally anyone who is speaking to me that candidly cares enough about me to point out the hard truths that can be difficult to face.  

Here is something interesting about human nature and behavior that no one really likes to acknowledge.  It is VERY easy for a person to be on the outside of a situation, looking in, and make a deduction about the situation, analyze it and even give good advice that would be extremely helpful in rectifying the situation.  But on the flip side, the person in the tough situation might have trouble seeing it clearly.  And they probably aren’t able to make solid deductions about their own circumstances while in the midst of it.  It’s like someone watching a hurricane on a radar map somewhere safe and far away from the hurricane, as opposed to being in the area where the storm is actually happening.  The person watching the radar map, let’s call them Radar Person, can be like, ‘hey, the eye of the storm is approaching, just be calm for a few minutes till it reaches you.’  Or they could look at the radar map and say, ‘the end of the storm is near.  The wind speed is this many miles per hour and it will pass in approximately this many minutes.’  But the person within the storm, let’s call them Stormy Person, is dealing with the heavy rain and damaging winds and that person is potentially fighting to stay alive.  Stormy Person is not going to be able to objectively listen to Radar Person, who is clearly speaking reason to them, because Radar Person is not where Stormy Person is.  Even if Radar Person says, ‘hey, I have been in a storm like this before and I get it’, their words mean less until the storm actually passes and Stormy Person can see things clearly with a more calm perspective. 

This idea leads me to something important to me that I have been pondering lately.  I have been looking at becoming a spiritual healer and it has been a painstaking thought process because I constantly feel like I need to fully and completely have my shit together before I can start to help other people get their shit together in any capacity.  What I have realized is, that is not 100% true.  If I can practice the things I talk about, that makes a world of difference.  It’s definitely better to be the example than to make people think you’re perfect.  But there is a common misconception that if someone talks about a certain concept that they believe in, that they must be the leading expert on the concept in their own life and their life in that area must be pristine, in order for them to teach others to use that concept.  But that’s NEVER EVER EVER true!  And the reason is because, from the outside watching the radar on a map, you can see much more clearly than you can from the inside, in the middle of the awful damaging storm. 

I’m in a storm and it defies all logic for me.  I am the cause and the effect of the storm.  I created it and I am what it has created.  Now I am in a place where I want to end the storm and begin the relief efforts.  Sometimes I feel I am a walking curse within my own blessings.  I have what some might consider a “perfect” life.  I consider it a “perfect” fucking life and I love all aspects of it!!  I have the best husband EVER, my children are fucking phenomenal little divine humanoid beings that are growing into incredible people, I have some great family and I have the best friends a person could ever ask for!  And material wise, I live in a huge house with a huge backyard with a pool and my home is in a phenomenal fucking area.  My kids’ school is FANTASTIC, I drive a nice car, we are debt free aside from our mortgage and I do not want for anything EVER!  I’m not monetarily rich, but that’s not what I want in my life.  So with all of these amazing aspects and things, I am still somehow MISERABLE and I am fully aware that it is a choice.  I am aware of my power as a cosmic/divine human/humanoid, but almost to my own detriment.  I can make amazing things happen for myself in deliberate creation, but when something goes awry, I blame myself in sometimes irrational ways and OVER psychoanalyze EVERY aspect of what I did "wrong"..  It’s not what I want, but I keep choosing it on repeat from some internal program I am having trouble turning off.  I do not want to analyze it.  I do not want to figure out why I am doing this. I do not want to know what I need to do to make it stop. And I do not want green eggs and ham…. *silly smiles*  

Honestly, what I TRULY want is to have fun.  Nothing more.  I want to laugh and make people laugh and constantly smile and feel joy in my soul.  That’s why I am here.  There’s no heavy purpose for me in this lifetime.  I have done enough of that in past lifetimes and I was given this good fortune as a reward for incredible past life deeds.  I am living out wonderful karmic credit as opposed to karmic debt, if you will!  Fun is the name of the game from here and it’s going to be my main focus!