Anyone who really knows me knows that I am a lifelong learner. Every day I wake up eager and excited to live my life's lessons, learn more life lessons and feed my spirit, mind and body with knowledge and goodness of ALL kinds! For me, it's fun and beyond fulfilling.
I did experience some adversities, better viewed as contrasts, during the Christmas season, like most people, but let me be crystal clear in the most blunt way possible. The "adversities" I experienced were 99% self-inflicted fuckery based on other people's points of view and opinions that were never any of my goddamn business to begin with. And that is the cold hard truth. I used to hold shame in how charmed and amazing my life was, in a sense of dimming my light to appease others. You see, I didn't want to make others feel shitty about themselves with my amazingness. How fucking back ass wards is that? It's a common scenario. But what better way to spread light than to lead by example? No boasting, just doing your thing and doing it well. Another issue I had was that I also didn't believe I deserved a life as amazing as my life is. It's like I took a vow of suffering at some point in some life and could not figure out how to let it go until I found the vow and realized it was outdated. Things that make you go hmm... Anyhoodle!
Let me briefly explain what I mean by self-inflicted fuckery. Recently, I took a stress test. I think anything over a combined score of 15 in like 4 categories of 'life' meant that you are stressed and should take action to de-stress your life. You guys, I had a score of 1. Yes you read that right. ONE! I do not feel stressed AT ALL in my life, yet I am consistently overwhelmed, like almost ALL the time. Where is the sense in that? You're right!! There is none! But it's a progressing growth process and it's all a-ok!
While there are 5,000+ details I could share on how I came to the conclusions I came to, I'll spare you the gory details. You're welcome, because "gore"was not an exaggeration!
This holiday season, I learned that I am really shitty at handling anything that has to do with responsibility. What in the actual fuck, right!? That's what I said. If I'm needed to be the responsible party in any given situation, I'm freaking the hell out. That is hard to admit at 42 years old when I've been a mom for over 14 years and been responsible for 2 precious human lives, their development and well-being. I can certainly confirm that I have fucked some stuff up with my kids as a result of this fear of responsibility and I have talks with them often about how I have and always will do my best for them and any mistakes their dad or I made were never deliberate. In an effort to break generational cycles, I tell them very bluntly that as adults they will have a choice to blame whomever for any shortcomings in their lives OR to be in control of their state of being and create their life as they see fit, sans autopilot.
So what lesson was there in this realization I had about responsibility? Human words can not convey the magnitude, but I will tell you this. It made me realize that there are gifts and amazing talents and abilities that I have that I have refused to step into. I long to be of service in the world, yet I have feared so much.
This is not an uncommon scenario either and it's why so many people are in jobs they detest and struggle to love themselves, let alone their lives. The difference for me is that I have chosen not to settle. I did not settle for self-hatred, or a stuffy ass shitty corporate office job, or anything people told me I SHOULD do. I have muddled and suffered through the self-inflicted madness I have brought about and dealt with and keep learning and growing. We all are doing that in various ways and at various rates and speeds. So I have decided to choose to step into the roles I have been avoiding and even though I am scared and doing a lot based on blind faith, I'm going to go and I'm going to do and I'm going to continue figuring it the fuck out as I go and do! The sky's the limit!
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